Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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