I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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