i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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