Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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