Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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