I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
