Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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