Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
