I just pynch a tree in the face
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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