Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
