apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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