Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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