My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
