im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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