You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
