My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I looked at my own cervix.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
