genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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