Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Your dad touched me again.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
