Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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