ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
