Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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