I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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