I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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