Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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