please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
