whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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