Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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