you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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