Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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