I'm jealous of your bromance
Small penises have feelings too.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
