Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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