Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
