I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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