hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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