I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
