NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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