I wish you could order shots online.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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