Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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