I wish I could punch you in the face.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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