He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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