I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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