i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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