Dual....:-)
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
