Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
