Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
