my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize