if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize