I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize