I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
