I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
