I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize