my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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