I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
