Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
We named our party play list daddy issues
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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