My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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