Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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