hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
