Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
