I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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