why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize