1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Randomize
